Here is a good one to end the week: Reader “A” (I cloaked her name and state) wrote recently to ask for help in responding to what she called “social backlash” — negative reactions from people in her social sphere who can’t comprehend her passion for mid century design. What shall we advise her, fellow Retro Renovators? Read on for her tale….
“A” writes”
Pam,
I’m new to your blog, and I absolutely love it, but if I’m asking something you have touched on a million times I apologize. I made an attempt to search, but came up with nothing.
I’m at a bit of a low point right now, and I’d love some reassurance or commiseration of any sort — or hey– even a reality check!
I’m just starting down the road into retroville– truthfully I’ve loved it all for a long time but wasn’t brave enough to really commit until I lived in California and realized there were a lot of people who loved the mid 20th century as much as I did.
I have recently moved back to my hometown area in [state] and have begun searching for a mid century modern home to buy with my husband and kids, and along the way I am thrifting and searching for “old” furniture from the same time period.
My question to you is, do you ever get bogged down by people’s negative reaction to what you are doing or did? And secondly, was it all worth it in the end?
I love my midcentury things, but I am swiftly becoming tired of having to defend my taste to everyone I come in contact with. My husband is sweet and patient with me, but I think he wishes I’d give it up. My kids are nervous about “living in the 60’s” as they put it, and everyone else falls somewhere between thinking I’m crazy to acting genuinely threatened and angry with me for trying to resurrect the past.
I’m honestly shocked, why are people threatened by different design tastes? Have you ever had these types of experiences?
I keep telling myself that when it all comes together it will be so great and it will be all worth it, but sometimes I feel like it would be easier to give it all up.
Isn’t it strange how strongly people react to retro things?
Thanks at the very least for letting me sob on your cyber shoulder, its nice to come here and be with people with like minds.
“A”
“A”, my first thought, when I read your letter, was that I’d tell these rude people, Bite Me. Hence, the always-but-really-probably-never-appropriate Anne Taintor caption. (Better, I think, to take the high road… much as it would feel good [for a moment] to dish it right back.)
Seriously, I do have a way that I would recommend responding. But I will hold back and let the tribe offer up their thoughts and advice first.
Justine says
Not everyone gets it. I didn’t at first and took my 1958 ranch and tried to shabby-chic the heck out of it, but I realized it looked worse and worse and I had a friend help rescue my bad design by introducing me to mid-century-modern.
Now I collect used furniture and my house is starting to look fab. When I show people the vintage credenza in my living room, they seem to get it now. Real furniture without particle board! Imagine that. Just tell people you like “real” stuff and show them how well made your things are. Personally, I think your friends are just jealous. Let me guess: are these people living in McMansion-type homes? If so, they may never “get it.”
Tammy O. says
This sounds like advice I would give to a teenager, but if your getting that sort of response from “friends”, it’s time to find new friends. Not because their opinion differs from yours, but because of how they speak to you. I know some of our friends think our design style is “quirky” at best, but ultimately they don’t care and keep their mouths shut. We even have friends who will call and say “Hey I found some tiki stuff in a store, do you want it?” because they know what we like even if it’s not their taste. My aunt (whose home is decorated with old farm equipment and plaid) just gave me an old soda bottle last night because she thought we’d like it and even though it wasn’t exactly how we roll, it was the thought and those are the kind of people you want to be hanging around.
Time to surround yourself with kinder people!
Mary says
I have a friend who keeps trying to remember to bring me a Danish Modern lamp base she found that matches one I found at the thrift store. 🙂
Melissa says
That is true. These people do not sound like real friends. Not the kind of friends I would want to have, anyway. I don’t see how the way I decorate my house would effect my friends at all anyway.
Cyncie says
Wow, I’m surprised you’re getting that kind of negativity. I live in a small 1958 ranch that is pretty much all original still. I’m single and my decorating style is kind of funky retro beach house… and I don’t live anywhere near a beach!! My friends all live in big McMansions that they built, with that massive faux Moroccan furniture. But, when they come to visit, they love to look at the MCM details: the open fireplace, beamed ceilings, wood tile floors, formica counters, chromed bathroom fixtures, etc. Their usual comments are “They don’t build houses like this anymore” and “This is a cool, cute retro girl pad!”
I guess if any of them had been critical, I would just say, “you’ve got your style, I’ve got mine!”
I think it’s ecologically irresponsible for people to build houses when perfectly functional houses are available to buy, anyway. So, for those who think it’s a status issue, I’ve got my own convictions.
Joanne says
It doesn’t happen to me much anymore, but when it did I’d remind the people giving me the dubious looks that once upon a time people threw Tiffany lamps on the garbage thinking they were tacky and worthless and then point out that my $40 50’s lamps would be worth a lot more someday (as they now are).
Melissa says
Nice. A prime example of why people with foresight never go with the crowd.
Steve H says
I have gotten a lot of bewilderment and a few snide comments for my decorating style, which is about as electic as you can get. I like a lot of different styles and eras, and I truly believe that almost anything can go with anything else as long as they are beautifully designed.
I really rather appalled at how rude people can be nowadays under the guise of “honesty”. Growing up I was taught that no matter what you thought of someone’s taste/house/things, you never, ever said anything negative. If you couldn’t find a compliment to offer, you just kept your mouth shut.
I’ve found that as I get older I really just don’t give a sh*t what most people think of me. I like what I like and it makes me very happy, thank you.
Just keep in mind that “virtue is its own reward”. You’re doing a good thing – preserving our cultural heritage and conserving the planet and environment by reusing.
Robin, NV says
I’m often shocked by how rude people can be. I think we’re losing track of the social niceties. My mom was very good about instilling correct social behavior in me. Here are my two favorites that I’ve always stuck by (they’re sort of silly but I think they have multiple applications).
1) Always send a thank you card when receiving gifts. Occasionally I will call someone to say thank you but mostly I send a card. There’s still something special about receiving a letter in the mail. I think it’s because it shows that you went to the effort of picking the card and writing a note.
2) Always try every dish at a potluck and say something complimentary about them – you never know who you could be sitting next to!
Jay says
Those are very good MC traits to live by. No doubt the RR gods will look kindly on you. We were instilled likewise when young but seem old fashioned these days with the younger set due to Facebook, Twitter and all other maner of social media.
The Atomic Mom says
To the kids I would say, when you get your own house, you can decorate it how you want.
To others, I would say, you can decorate your house the way you want.
If you love MCM, then go for it!
Mary says
And your kids’ friends will definitely remember your house later on in life!! 🙂 In a good way.
Janice says
I had a similar reaction from my friends and family when we sold our 1990’s McMansion, along with every single piece of furniture and accessory, and started over with mid century design. Everyone’s reaction was “Why would you do that?? You had such a nice nice!!” However, as we went from room to room and stripped away the 1980’s “updates” and put the house back to the 1950’s and did the big reveals, absolutely everyone changed their tunes. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “My parents/grandparents had a (fill in the blank) just like this!” I still had one friend who said, “Don’t you wish you could pick this house up and move it to a better neighborhood?” By better, she meant newer. She viewed our neighborhood as old and therefore, bad. My response to her was, “I happen to love our neighborhood, so no I don’t wish that.” She’s never said anything like that since. “A”, your friends might have a change of heart when they see your house completed and if nothing else take pride in your uniqueness. I’m thrilled that no one in my circle of friends or family has a house that looks like mine. Good luck and don’t succumb to peer pressure!
Robin, NV says
The town I live in is small and rural and tends to be divided between “townies” and “counties.” Homes in town tend to be older (like mine). Homes in the county tend to be new (and big on big lots). As you can imagine, townies tend to have lower incomes and counties tend to have higher incomes. I buck the system because my income is fairly high yet I live in town. My coworkers think I’m really weird (and perhaps a little dumb) for living in town in an older neighborhood. I could afford to live in the county but I don’t want to for several reasons. The county neighborhoods are what I call “Utaupias.” All the houses look the same and they’re all some shade of taupe stucco. And while they are on large lots, we live in the desert and it’s really expensive (and silly and unsustainable) to water a yard that large. I prefer my neighborhood because every home is different. It’s also populated by young families so the park is always thriving with events and youngsters playing. We have large, mature trees. I live two blocks from the grocery store and a short walk to downtown. My neighborhood may be a bit scruffy here and there but I’d rather have that than a sterile neighborhood where everyone owns the same house, same car, and thinks “different is bad.”
Tina says
Hey Robin – any chance you are in or around Reno? We should meet up sometime, I am ‘retrorenovating’ an older home near downtown. It is a challenge visitng friends that live in the neighborhoods I refer to as Edward Scissorhands-ville where each house looks just like the next. They tend to look askeance at my location and home choice. They just can’t think outside the box of their current decor expectations.
I love my pink bathroom and all the unique touches that set my home apart. My next door neighbor lives in a home that was a rooming house for the WPA when they were building Idlewild Park. I walk the dogs around the Lions kids park and rose garden, bike to the local farmers market and raft the river all summer long without having to turn the key in my car all weekend. I not only love the house I am in, I love my neighborhood and the whole package of lifestyle in the area.
The best response to those who question our choices is simply to smile and be content with our own choices. Actions speak louder than words and all that.
Kelly says
Bite me indeed! That is terrible! She isn’t hurting anyone and clearly loves what she’s doing. Those people have no right to inflict their opinions on her. Perhaps she can’t replace her family, but I’d be looking for some new friends if they feel that free to hurt and insult me.
Mary says
You don’t have a single thing to defend! This is an etiquette issue, pure and simple. I have always lived in old/funky houses, and always bought retro/dumpster dive/funky furniture, with a few family pieces thrown in. My friends think I’m charming, different, etc…but have never been critical. I think they secretly wish they were more creative.
Here’s another thought. Everyone has a different version of what it is to have “arrived.” For some people, new stuff is the ultimate goal and the symbol that they are successful. For others, breaking the mold and having a home that is original and different in both style and decor is the symbol.
But back to etiquette. If they make snarky comments, you can always answer, “why on earth would you say something like that?”
Janice says
Mary, you make a good point about people secretly wishing they were as creative. I’ve had friends comment that they love our house, but would never be brave enough to do that. That actually gives me a boost of confidence because I don’t want to be a cookie cutter person living a cookie cutter life.
Mrs. DeTiki says
People are way used to my hubby and I being a little “off” or creative, or artistic, or whatever people that getting threatened by that kind of stuff want to call it when they are trying to be polite about it. People always always always love our house though, even if it is with the caveat that “they would never do that” or “they have a more classic style”…which is all fine. Its just conversation. It does not threaten me in the least, but I also don’t give one fig what their opinion is either, apart from being honored when they do see the time and care that we have put in our home. Good design always looks like good design, and if the house is put together well no matter what the decorating style is. If your house is super full of collections, kitsch, or clutter then you do open yourself up to more criticism, just because that does make some people tangibly uncomfortable. We get many more compliments now that we have downsized and simplified and have a more unified home, even with our crazy Witco overboard aesthetic, and that is because it just appeals to more people and looks cleaner than what they are likely living in. I would never want someone to get insulted if I said something about not wanting to live in a new home, or a subdivision, or with rooms to go furniture, if that is what they really loved. So I never take it personally when they are thinking out loud about mine.