Here is a good one to end the week: Reader “A” (I cloaked her name and state) wrote recently to ask for help in responding to what she called “social backlash” — negative reactions from people in her social sphere who can’t comprehend her passion for mid century design. What shall we advise her, fellow Retro Renovators? Read on for her tale….
“A” writes”
Pam,
I’m new to your blog, and I absolutely love it, but if I’m asking something you have touched on a million times I apologize. I made an attempt to search, but came up with nothing.
I’m at a bit of a low point right now, and I’d love some reassurance or commiseration of any sort — or hey– even a reality check!
I’m just starting down the road into retroville– truthfully I’ve loved it all for a long time but wasn’t brave enough to really commit until I lived in California and realized there were a lot of people who loved the mid 20th century as much as I did.
I have recently moved back to my hometown area in [state] and have begun searching for a mid century modern home to buy with my husband and kids, and along the way I am thrifting and searching for “old” furniture from the same time period.
My question to you is, do you ever get bogged down by people’s negative reaction to what you are doing or did? And secondly, was it all worth it in the end?
I love my midcentury things, but I am swiftly becoming tired of having to defend my taste to everyone I come in contact with. My husband is sweet and patient with me, but I think he wishes I’d give it up. My kids are nervous about “living in the 60’s” as they put it, and everyone else falls somewhere between thinking I’m crazy to acting genuinely threatened and angry with me for trying to resurrect the past.
I’m honestly shocked, why are people threatened by different design tastes? Have you ever had these types of experiences?
I keep telling myself that when it all comes together it will be so great and it will be all worth it, but sometimes I feel like it would be easier to give it all up.
Isn’t it strange how strongly people react to retro things?
Thanks at the very least for letting me sob on your cyber shoulder, its nice to come here and be with people with like minds.
“A”
“A”, my first thought, when I read your letter, was that I’d tell these rude people, Bite Me. Hence, the always-but-really-probably-never-appropriate Anne Taintor caption. (Better, I think, to take the high road… much as it would feel good [for a moment] to dish it right back.)
Seriously, I do have a way that I would recommend responding. But I will hold back and let the tribe offer up their thoughts and advice first.
terri B says
I think the most irritating thing to me is when people see my 1970s retro couch with a huge 1970s silk painting over it and my other older pieces of furniture, they assume I’m some bum picking up things at the side of the road! They will say “I buy new myself”
To me, new styles are nice, but so cookie cutter, and thats not me! I pay good money for some items, others I find at sales and some things I’m given free. I resent people thinking I’m just using “junk” to fill my home. I don’t get how they don’t see the items all match colour wise! i buy what I like, what evokes a feeling from me.. not what would one up the neighbours!
Melissa says
I would be like, “Well I buy from local shops and dealers who are trying to make a business selling vintage items. Much of this stuff was originally made in America, too. It also helps the environment because it keeps it out of the landfills. Plus, I just really like it. You know that most of that new stuff is made cheaply in China or Taiwan, right?”
Nancy says
I am sooooo with you on this line of thinking, Melissa. Well put.
And I say if someone doesn’t like what I’m looking for…that’s just more stuff available for me!
Modmother says
Wow. My first thought would be that the person may not be educated about the time period, and hence cannot appreciate mid century modern design. Then I probably think they were just being a jerk and keep moving. There’s no cure for stupid.
Drew says
I feel that the internet and reality television have coarsened our culture, empowering, encouraging and rewarding boorish behavior. Unfortunately, our ‘open for comments’ culture has given some people permission to be obnoxious, letting their opinions fly without much forethought or compassion. I try to ignore the negative comments as these people are typically experts at making a Grade A a** of themselves without a snappy comeback from myself. I love my stuff – it makes me happy and ultimately that is all that matters. My best friends may not share my enthusiasm, but they appreciate it and enjoy it while visiting.
Tammy O. says
I totally agree, everything is “open for comment” these days. People no longer remember the old “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” mantra. True friends will be kind and not give a flyin’ flip if you live in a pumpkin, a tree or boot.
Wendy M. says
My go-to argument has been that I think it looks silly to “update” a house from one era to look like it’s from a different era. I then encourage the person to figure out the original era/style of their house and go with that.
I also like to point out that the materials and construction were generally higher quality than what is available today (or as our home inspector said, “a tank could run into the side of this house and I’m pretty sure the tank would lose!”)
(The primary critic in our lives is my McMansion-owning brother-in-law…he made some pretty harsh comments when we first moved in to our home. I felt vindicated when his wife came to visit and proclaimed that the house was just like the one she grew up in and she loved it!)
MsKittyMuses says
This reminds me of my brother talking about an old school friend of his. He had first bought a newish house, but not brand new, and it ended up having tons of problems with it, which seems to happen a lot with some newer construction. He then proclaimed he would never live in a “used” house again. Used? Really? Who says that about a house! So sad given that lots of older homes are actually more sturdy and better built than today, and the problems he had really had nothing to do with it being “used”.
My husband and I still joke about how we were silly enough to buy a used home. 🙂
Melissa says
These are the kind of people who have destroyed the economy in this country.
Becky from Iowa says
Ah, but this response condemns those of us not lucky enough to have a real MCM house! I live in a 1907 farmhouse. I love MC style. It doesn’t “go” with my house, but so what? People didn’t have the luxury of buying an entirely new house every time styles changed. Locking yourself into one particular decorating style based on the chronological age and style of your home is just as rigid as looking askance at folks who DO like to decorate in an off beat way…
pam kueber says
Can i give you my thoughts on this issue, Becky?
Becky from Iowa says
Sure! I’m a Big Girl. 🙂
Wendy M. says
Becky- just to clarify- I would NEVER say that to someone like you! I only say it to people rude enough to criticize my home. (It seems to get them off the subject of what they don’t like.) I really appreciate homes that look like they have evolved over time. What I don’t like is the “must buy the latest trend and change every time popular opinion changes because I don’t have a defined sense of my own taste” look. I think there is a huge difference between the home you describe and a home where they have leap-frogged to something that doesn’t gel with the surroundings. (The “silly” part was the idea numerous people have suggested to us, “aren’t you going to have granite installed?” That, to me, would look silly in our ’64 home.) I certainly don’t want to make anyone feel b** about their choices.
Marta says
I think my comment got lost. I’ve only had one cup of coffee, so probably I did it wrong. Sigh.
Wanted also to ask, Pam and Kate, how can I change my email on this site to the one I actually use? The one I originally registered with I rarely check.
MSKittyMuses says
Wow, I feel incredibly lucky that all my friends and family either love my house and stuff or at least understand that it fits me, and it doesn’t have to fit them. Of course, I’ve always been the eccentric one, so maybe that helps a lot as well. I started buying mid mod pieces in high school before I even knew what mid mod was! They all just spoke to me. People would probably worry if I suddenly went mainstream!
I’d probably say something along the lines of “Funny, that’s exactly how I feel about your/modern/mainstream (fill in the blank) style! Not nearly interesting enough for my taste. So looks like we both picked the right one for us!” Like someone else said, sort of a middle road. Use their own anger or displeasure, and turn it around.
Also, are there any shops or historical societies in your area where you could go and perhaps meet people who are more like minded? It may help you feel more empowered in your choices, and make some new, non rude friends?
Either way, good luck! And if some people still don’t get the hint, seriously, bite me!
MSKittyMuses says
Oh, another good one would be a simple “Well, it’s good you don’t live here then, huh?!?”
MsKittyMuses says
Or a good psychoanalytical response of “Why do you think what I do with my own home bothers you so much?
Make them have to answer for their own irrational reation, rather than have to go on the defensive yourself.
Allison says
I love this approach, I’m definitely going to use it!
pam kueber says
Yes, I quite love this one, too!
Patty says
Excellent! Another thing you could say “it’s just stuff. I have more important things to worry about than whether or not someone else likes my couch.”
BungalowBILL says
While the voices in my head may be screaming “BITE ME BITE ME”, my lips are saying “What I collect is desirable to a small but passionate group of people. In 5-10 years if I tire of something chances are I will get close to what I paid for it or even more. You won’t be able to give your things away on Craigslist in 10 years.” Lucky for us there are people still silly enough not to realize this.
Stephanie says
Wow, I could never imagine even having this conversation.
I guess my first response would be, “Opinions are like ***holes, everybody has one,” then go about my business. I’m not sure I would even give any effort to someone who feels the need to vocally oppose the design aesthetic of a house they don’t even live in.
On the other hand, I have had people say nothing but good things about my house and its style, and even if they didn’t like it, I really wouldn’t care because I feel confident in my decisions and preferences.
Kimberj says
I’ve always been the “weird” girl on the block since I was little. But honestly I just don’t care what other people think. I think a lot of their designs range from boring to heinous but I’d never be so rude as to tell them. I say to them “Oh you must just love your place (stuff, etc) as much as I love mine!” with great enthusiasm. Then I continue to go my “weird” way and they toddle off in theirs.
Trust me… not caring what others think of you or your choices is the greatest gift you can ever, ever give yourself. Its intensely satisfying and freeing! My husband’s brother-in-law also “doesn’t care” and we drive the rest of them nuts as they run around like chickens worrying about people liking them 🙂
Diane says
Albert Einstein quote: Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.