Here is a good one to end the week: Reader “A” (I cloaked her name and state) wrote recently to ask for help in responding to what she called “social backlash” — negative reactions from people in her social sphere who can’t comprehend her passion for mid century design. What shall we advise her, fellow Retro Renovators? Read on for her tale….
“A” writes”
Pam,
I’m new to your blog, and I absolutely love it, but if I’m asking something you have touched on a million times I apologize. I made an attempt to search, but came up with nothing.
I’m at a bit of a low point right now, and I’d love some reassurance or commiseration of any sort — or hey– even a reality check!
I’m just starting down the road into retroville– truthfully I’ve loved it all for a long time but wasn’t brave enough to really commit until I lived in California and realized there were a lot of people who loved the mid 20th century as much as I did.
I have recently moved back to my hometown area in [state] and have begun searching for a mid century modern home to buy with my husband and kids, and along the way I am thrifting and searching for “old” furniture from the same time period.
My question to you is, do you ever get bogged down by people’s negative reaction to what you are doing or did? And secondly, was it all worth it in the end?
I love my midcentury things, but I am swiftly becoming tired of having to defend my taste to everyone I come in contact with. My husband is sweet and patient with me, but I think he wishes I’d give it up. My kids are nervous about “living in the 60’s” as they put it, and everyone else falls somewhere between thinking I’m crazy to acting genuinely threatened and angry with me for trying to resurrect the past.
I’m honestly shocked, why are people threatened by different design tastes? Have you ever had these types of experiences?
I keep telling myself that when it all comes together it will be so great and it will be all worth it, but sometimes I feel like it would be easier to give it all up.
Isn’t it strange how strongly people react to retro things?
Thanks at the very least for letting me sob on your cyber shoulder, its nice to come here and be with people with like minds.
“A”
“A”, my first thought, when I read your letter, was that I’d tell these rude people, Bite Me. Hence, the always-but-really-probably-never-appropriate Anne Taintor caption. (Better, I think, to take the high road… much as it would feel good [for a moment] to dish it right back.)
Seriously, I do have a way that I would recommend responding. But I will hold back and let the tribe offer up their thoughts and advice first.
Sandra says
I’ll channel my inner Dr. Phil (re golf widows), and ask whether they are really commenting on the era and style, or the amount of time and/or money/energy you’re spending on it.
As long as the hobby/passion hasn’t gone overboard, don’t let anybody rain on your parade. You don’t need us to validate that. Dr. Phil would say they need to let you enjoy yourself as long as you’re also paying attention to them and all is in balance.
But if you have doubts because you know you’ve gone too far, then some deeper introspection is called for. What are you escaping? Are you neglecting your friends and family? Are you emersing yourself in another era like pulling the covers over your head?
Some people just can’t see what you see until you make it reality. Don’t let that bother you.
Allison says
Hmm… There could be some truth to this. Since we moved from California we have been living with my parents and I know to some extent I have been trying desperately to escape, and every free moment I have is being put toward MCM decor and lifestyle. I will say it has been a very hard couple of months and I have been wanting to stay in my happy place. Not to say that I dont really love MCM, but perhaps I have been too obsessive lately.
pam kueber says
These are great thoughts. Sometimes I myself get SO INTO something that I neglect my family and friends. I know I am doing it. Yes, it’s all about balancing your time, energy and attention to the things that matter most to you — and generally, people should be on the top of that list, definitively above “things.” IMHO.
Allison says
Thanks for the wonderful advice everyone! I really appreciate it, and I love the ideas. I have never had much of a hard time telling friends and others to stuff it, but family is harder. The worst offenders are my parents, they have no qualms about being extremely rude, and I was taught (by them ironically) to be respectful so it’s hard for me to tell them off. I do think it is partially to do with them living through that era, and they just can’t see the value. It did help when I mentioned that a Drexel profile dining set I bought on Craigslist for 700 was being sold through 1st dibs for 8,900$. Mostley though they are grossed out by old furniture and are in a steady rotation of replacing their entire decor every couple of years. As for my husband, he is starting to get it thankfully, possibly due to the many rants I go on about quality, style, and how wasteful people are, but I will definitely have to make some compromises. We have since bought a home that we both love thankfully, but my husband just can’t do colorful carpet 😉 so we will compromise and it should work out. Thanks again! I love it here and I love you all! Keep the advice a comin’!
Becky from Iowa says
Some folks who were raised during a financially stressful time, or who just felt “poor” growing up, simply have a hard time with second hand anything. It evokes feelings of shame or helplessness. Maybe your parents just equate “new” with “successful” and you may just have to let it go at that. I know my mother–raised literally Dirt Poor during the Depression (she literally wore flour sack underpants) used to comment that the FIRST thing her parents did, once they got a bit of a leg up, was to trash every single “old” think in their house (some it of it actually had come from my great-great- grandfather’s plantation in South Carolina, before the family went bust after the Civil War, and moved to Texas), move to town, and buy ALL NEW from the Monkey Ward catalog. They needed to shed the taint of poverty.
Allison says
I think you are right. My parents both come from very humble childhoods and are much more well off now. I do think it is a sign of success for them to be able to buy new things any time they want. I have watched that all my life and I do not want to get caught up in the constant need to update decor and furnishings– that is one thing I love about antiques or vintage. I also feel it has a soul and a story to tell. It’s filled with joy and wonder for me– that may sound cheesy, but I get a thrill thinking about what my home/furniture has possibly witnessed in its life.
tammyCA says
I grew up poor…like not having heat or water (frozen pipes) in the frigid Midwest, very little to eat, holes in my shoes, etc. It did bother me as a kid because others weren’t poor (this was the ’60s, not the depression era), and so looked down on us, but I never coveted NEW stuff as an adult when I could afford it…I like vintage, different and stuff with a story, soul, history. I also get a kick out of taking broken, discarded things/furniture and giving them new life…a second chance.
pam kueber says
I think you have brought up something very very important to understand and remember! Thank you, Becky!
jeanne says
I am lucky that my parents (and family) get me. They are from the depression generation and “get” the use-something-til-it’s-wornout philosophy. So retro/vintage items are a no-brainer. My mom has even jumped on-board a bit. I have been eye-balling an old upholstered foot stool at her house that was my grandfathers. I asked if she would leave it to me in her will, LOL. She said “you like that foot stool?” The next time I visited her in FL the foot stool had been reupholstered! She looked at it with a new light!
Some good advice in all these comments!
I’m lucky that friends and family know what I like and make comments like “Jeanne would like that” when they see vintage 60s items. My nephew bought 1950s Better Homes & Gardens magazines at a g-sale in Seattle and my sister shipped them to me! Gotta love that!
pam kueber says
Certainly any family member should appreciate the quality/value argument! Take DH and your parents into a good furniture store today. I DEFY them to find a dining set with any whiff of quality for $700! To me, buying vintage dining room sets and bedroom sets s a NO BRAINER. Take the $avings and put it into your 401K or Roth IRA! It may be fun being young and poor, but it is no fun being old and poor.
Allison says
Haha! I agree! That’s what finally sold my husband, when he realized how much a quality new dining set would cost 😉
Robert S says
Well if it’s your parents, all bets are off. There is no cure for our parents driving us crazy sometimes.
Julie G. says
Those people need to get a life! There are so many other important things to worry about besides how you decorate your home. I’d invite them over less for sure. Stand up for your design choices. Family that lives with you is a different matter. I find the most interesting decor to be that that incorporates a mix of styles. Include your family in the design process. They will be more invested in the home and you will create a space that is uniquely yours.
Teresa says
“Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
Hang this quote in your home and when negative comments arise, simply point to it. At that point they will hush up because you are restating that you find your home beautiful and useful. No one can argue with that.
I think it is a good opportunity for education as well. MCM might not be their thing, but perhaps your friends are fond of another era and might consider recycling, upcycling, repurposing stuff for the sake of the environment. Besides, by and large quality was much higher pre 1980.
John K says
Teresa..you are correct that quality by and large was much better pre 1980. Very true. I have worked in the home design industry for 36 years. I came into the industry at the tail end of high quality (1977). By the mid 1980s furniture companies began striking deals with off shore factories and quality began to suffer. By the 1990s the quality became ZERO. If you buy American of Martinsville now you are buying pressed particle board made in China. Same for Thomasville, Broyhill and so many others that moved manufacturing from the USA to Asia between 1995 and today where quality and finish no longer exist. My 1963 Drexel king bedroom set was made in Drexel, North Carolina and it is super high quality and solidly made to last another 50 years. I would never buy one stick of furniture made after the 1970s.
Melissa says
I would not even pay them any heed. It makes me happy and that’s all that matters to me. Individuality is what makes the world go ’round. If anything, I would be like “well if you ever come across any of this stuff and you don’t want it you go ahead and give it to me.” You should tell your children not to worry so much about what other people think. If everybody was exactly the same the world would be a very boring place, and it’s important to be true to who you are as a person and what your thing is and not conform to what everybody else is doing. Especially if that everything is taupe. Maybe have them watch more Venture Brothers or Doris Day or Alfred Hitchcock movies where stuff like that is featured more and looks cool lol. Have fun in life and don’t worry about what everybody else thinks! lol
Allison says
This is so good– I’m going to use this as an opportunity to teach my kids the importance of individuality and self esteem. Thanks!
Trouble says
I’ll sum it up in two words: People suck. Just do what you want, its your money and your property. Im restoring my ’54 ranch and I get the garbage about how its a bad idea to have it pink and grey bc it will be harder to sell. I dont care – restoration is what I do and no one will tell me different.
Shane says
I’m really surprised that you have had these reactions. I guess I have been lucky that everyone that has seen my little retro corner of the world has really enjoyed the nostalgia and just plain awesomeness that is mid mod. Though to answer your question, I would just smile politely and nod my head. You like your style so who cares what anyone else thinks! If it makes you happy and comfortable in your home then to heck with the haters 😉
Jennifer says
People are always positive about our midcentury decor, that is in our 1929 Spanish style house. They often comment that it reminds them of old Hollywood glamour. We get comments like, reminds us if visiting our grandparents house- very cozy. Don’t worry about what others think. Enjoy your lifestyle- it’s your life!!
Robert S says
I deal with this all the time.
Of course when people are rude and blunt, and disrespect you to your face, I’m sorry but I don’t know that you have to be totally nice for that.
Your choices are not for everybody, and isn’t that great. The fact that it (mid-century style) isn’t totally mainstream is part of the appeal for me.
I have people challenge me all the time and I sound confident in my responses. I make sure they know by my firm response that I am not in agreement with them. You don’t have to be rude, but you let them know. Sometimes people don’t “get it” because they have never seen people use the style in a positive light.
Having southern roots myself, I have a bit of that southern ability to let somebody “have it” with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Usually starts with something like “….oh bless your heart….”
Sometimes I just have to correct them, since they seem so intent on telling me how tasteless I am. “Oh, really? well you know, these are VERY valuable and sought after things, you have to fight other collectors and the top designers for them. Luckily you can sometimes still get good bargains though, because, well, you know, there are a lot of people whose tastes are just not sophisticated enough to know what they are looking at….”
Oops, did I just stick my foot in my mouth? Sorry about that.
pam kueber says
I love this, ROFL!: “Oh, really? well you know, these are VERY valuable and sought after things, you have to fight other collectors and the top designers for them. Luckily you can sometimes still get good bargains though, because, well, you know, there are a lot of people whose tastes are just not sophisticated enough to know what they are looking at….” Oops, did I just stick my foot in my mouth? Sorry about that.
Jay says
Love the expression you use “Bless your heart”. The first time I came across the expression in a book I had to ask my mother (a native Floridian) it’s meaning. Your retort about fighting off other collectors is priceless!
Angie says
Sorry to hear your feelings have been hurt by unintentional (or even intentional) comments that sting. With our recent “updates” to a small cottage in Florida our contractor confused our use of a turquoise toilet and sink along with a lavender toilet and sink with wanting to save money. 🙂 He didn’t know we’d driven a state away to get the chrome legs and towel bars for them, nor driven to Wisconsin to get a wall-hung refrigerator. Here’s the thing: it really doesn’t matter in the long run, although i understand it hurts in the short term. I’m an artist so i get a pass from most people on being weird. Maybe try to adopt that attitude? You’re an original. You like what you like and well, they can enjoy the stuff in their house that they like.
My response would be: “Well, i love it because it makes my house uniquely me.” Enough said.